I Thought I Was Chill—Then I Had a Baby
"You don't have the grace sufficient for a second child because you don't have that child yet." God keeps showing me that the condition of my soul is His priority, not my comfort.
Such a simple quote and concept shared by a dear friend above here, but in that moment, it blew my mind. It shifted my perspective completely. It made me ask myself a few things:
How often do I worry, live in fear, or sit in anxiety because I cannot fathom a future scenario or lifestyle based on the resources I have now?
How often do I look to my ways, my competence, and my ability to grow those resources?
Therefore, how often do I limit God, His abilities and His resources, and ignore His ways that we know are higher?
How often do I shrink God?
How often do you?
Burden vs. Inconvenience
Postpartum was a beast. A beast that chewed me up and is still gnawing on my ankle, to be honest. I won’t go into the gritty details, but if you have any mom friends who breastfed or pumped breast milk for more than 10 months, or you are a mom yourself, you can fill in the blanks. It feels like light will never show up in the tunnel again. Sure, I technically “returned” to my remote job after three months, and yes, Josiah started sleeping through the night around month four (bless him)… but somehow, I still felt like I was clinging to the edge of sanity by a burp cloth. Those 3 a.m. pump sessions? Sleep regressions? Teething? Cluster feeds? I had a front-row seat to every baby plot twist, and none of them came with a warning label. I was panicked, anxious, hyper-alert, and always bracing for things to go wrong with Josiah. And through it all, I realized something very un-chill about myself: I am not, in fact, a “go-with-the-flow” mom. I love a good schedule. I thrive on predictability. I’d very much like to know what’s happening, when, and for how long, thank you very much. Too bad babies don’t get that memo.
Jon, my husband, one time looked at me and said, with total confusion, “I thought you wanted kids.” I was like, “KIDS. Yes—kids! Not babies. Kids and babies are not the same. They just both happen to be small humans, but that’s where the similarities end.”
Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Psalm 127:3-5
The Bible says babies are a blessing—and sure, deep down (like... really deep down, maybe 15%), I can see that. I’ve definitely grown in patient endurance, mostly because I’ve been stretched in ways I never signed up for, courtesy of a newborn who somehow is already almost two. God keeps showing me that the condition of my soul is His priority, not my comfort. Every day, being a mommy pushes me to leave a narrow-minded, immature, and non-sacrificial self behind. It’s painful, but good.
I also definitely see the blessing babies can be for others. Not only does Josiah remind me of the simple beauties in life, but I’ve also lost count how many times he’s brought a smile to visibly angry and disturbed people with just a small wave.
Burdened or inconvenienced?
It’s almost laughably ironic that I—someone who’s definitely had moments of feeling totally burdened by my own child—ended up moving into a house with a preschool literally in our backyard.
Every morning, as I sit here trying to gather my thoughts (and maybe my sanity), the soundtrack is pure toddler chaos: giggles, meltdowns, dramatic toy negotiations, tag marathons, and imagination play. It’s like God turned the volume up on childhood just for me.
It’s kind of beautiful. Through all the joyful noise (Psalm 100), it’s like He’s gently reminding me—through these tiny, messy, magical humans—what childlike faith actually looks like. Turns out, He’s still in the business of softening hearts, one sandbox shriek at a time.
The idea of a second baby is overwhelming and can easily send me down a spiral, but perhaps the peace of God is meeting me there, reminding me that His grace given today is sufficient for just today. Like my friend said above, when the “tomorrow season” of a second child comes, our generous and gracious God will give you the grace needed for that season, too.
"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
Matthew 6:33-34